Theistic Delusionary Disorder: Our Nation's No. 1 Mental Health Problem

January 2106: American Psychological Association’s yearly White Paper refers to belief in God as a “delusion”. Christian groups protest the “coming wave of persecution”; APA issues an official response that states, “Christian paranoia constitutes further evidence of pathology”.

January 2107: APA White Paper defines a new mental illness - Theistic Delusionary Disorder (“TDD”) – the belief that one can converse with “god” or spirits.

January 2109: APA White Paper revises TDD definition to include any belief in the existence of god, spirits, or the supernatural.

September 2109: Atlanta Center For Disease Control adds TDD to its list of infectious diseases. Coins the term “Dawkins Meme Virus”, which it identifies as the medium of TDD contagion. The Dawkins Meme Virus is the first non-biological virus ever to be identified as a cause of disease in humans.

July 2112: California judge takes 8-year-old daughter away from TTD-infected mother because she was home schooling her using the Bible. Daughter is enrolled one of the 2,100 boarding schools owned by the Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science. Mother committed to a mental institution (as a “danger to others” based on her attempt to spread TDD to her daughter). Mother sues California under habeus corpus arguing that her First Amendment rights were infringed.

April 2114: Mother vs. California appealed to Supreme Court. Excerpt of Court’s 8-1 decision:

“…a man who claims to be Napoleon may correctly observe that he has a First Amendment right to make this claim; however, the fact remains that such a claim constitutes objective evidence of a scientifically established mental illness. While the First Amendment protects him from punishment, it does not immunize him against treatment. If his illness renders him a danger to himself, commitment to a mental institution may be advisable, and if his illness incapacitates his ability to make an informed decision on treatment, then it is society’s duty to protect him by appointing a guardian (for example, his doctor) to step in and make the commitment decision on his behalf. If he is a danger to others then society has a duty to protect itself, using force if necessary, by compelling confinement and treatment. It is not his statement “I am Napoleon” per se that results in confinement (after all, such a statement made in jest would not result in confinement), but rather the underlying psychosis that his statement evidences.

Correspondingly, the APA has determined that TDD is a mental illness, and the Center for Disease Control has determined that it is infectious (and thus a danger to society). It is not the place of a judge to question the conclusions of qualified mental health professionals. It is, however, our place to clarify the legal issues involved. It is not the plaintiff’s free exercise of her religion that is being “prohibited”, but rather the underlying mental illness (merely evidenced by her “free exercise”) that is being treated...when she regains her mental health, she will likely come to appreciate the wisdom of the authorities in preventing her from infecting her daughter with her own disorder…”

April 2115: The American Bar Association estimates that since the groundbreaking Mother vs. California precedent, over 45,000 TDP sufferers have been committed to mental institutions or compelled to submit to supervised treatment.

June 2115: President R. Dawkins IV, acting on the recommendations recently published by the Universal Tolerance Council, announces the commencement of the “War on TDD”, which he identifies as the nation’s #1 health problem, and proposes funding of over $200 billion over the next five years to expand the number of mental health professionals, educate the public on the dangers of TDD, and to create a nationwide network of “TDD Confined Treatment Clinics” which will more than triple the current bed space in mental institutions.

October 2115: Congress approves $189 billion of the President’s “War on TDD” funding proposal and passes new summary procedures to allow for non-adversarial commitment proceedings to place TDD sufferers in TDD Confined Treatment Clinics based on documentary evidence alone.

December 2115: Supreme Court rules that habeus corpus petitions can only be filed by those charged with a crime, not by those confined for treatment for mental illness.

January 2116: APA’s yearly White Paper hails 2115 as “the most progressive year in the history of mental health treatment”.

March 7, 2116: Cardinal B.S. Lawton, the Vatican’s top official in the United States, is commanded to appear at a commitment hearing based upon a preliminary diagnosis of TDD.

March 9, 2116: Cardinal Lawton declares at his TDD commitment hearing that Catholic doctrine “is an essentially secular ideology that attempts to therapeutically reconcile the Id and the Superego of the believer”. A three-judge panel pronounces Cardinal Lawton mentally healthy and not subject to commitment after Pope Judas I intervenes with a promise that the Vatican will revise its doctrine to more clearly reflect its secular purpose.

March 10, 2006: Jimmy W. Babylon, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, issues a press release stating, “On behalf of all the faithful, the Southern Baptist Convention hereby declares that ‘god’ is not an actual being, but rather a shorthand expression of our highest collective aspirations of peace, harmony, and tolerance.”

November 30, 2116: The Vatican III Statement of Faith, issued by the Catholic Church, states that “the Catholic god is a symbol of the human Superego, not to be understood literally.”

April 20th, 2117: Financial history is made when the Southern Baptist Convention, the ACLU, and the National Council of Churches undergo the largest share merger in the history of the nation to form a new corporation named “The United Church for the Actualization of Human Potential”. Dissenting shareholders of the acquired entities are subject to forced buy-outs at a record premium. New CEO J.W. Babylon signs a renewable employment contract granting him nearly $4 billion in stock options over a five-year period; Chairman of the Board of Directors Dr. B.S. Lawton urges employees to “always be willing to go the extra mile to enhance shareholder value.”

January 2118: Congress designates the 20th century John Lennon song Imagine as the nation’s new national anthem. The new “Lennon cent” is issued, replacing “In God We Trust” with the nation’s new official motto, “Above Us Only Sky”. Revisionist historian B.W. Greenwald issues a statement reiterating his controversial claim that Lennon was actually from Alabama.

May 2120: The Department of Citizen Psychosocial Development reports that weekly church attendance in the United States has reached a record high of 86.2%.

November 2120: Reported incidence of TDD among the general population dips below 10%, falling to second place among communicable diseases (below AIDs). The Surgeon General warns against complacency, asserting that the addition of still-unidentified “silent sufferers” may double this figure.

December 2120: A press release issued by the Congressional Budget Office asserts that the government’s 2020 tax revenue from taxes paid by the United Church is projected to exceed tax revenues from all other sources combined.

January 2121: Congress abolishes the Individual Income Tax, replacing it with mandatory shareholding in the United Church and compulsory tithing obligations. It also authorizes the creation of an “Army of Reason & Tolerance” funded and manned by United Church shareholders to defend the nation against “the Forces of Superstition and Ignorance still flourishing abroad.”

March 2121: APA approves the use of electroshock therapy to treat chronic TDD sufferers.

June 2121: APA identifies extreme paranoia as a recently emerging treatment complication of TDD electroshock therapy. Frontal lobotomies are authorized to treat TDD sufferers who fail to respond to electroshock therapy.

November 2123: Congress creates the new crime of Godcraft, defined as the mimicry of any TDD symptoms by mentally healthy individuals for the purpose of financial gain. The terrorist group Christian Underground releases a surprising video in which CU leader Thomas Marshall praises the new law. United Church officials question its authenticity.

October 2125: Terrorist Thomas Marshall, convicted of Godcraft in absentia over last year’s armed entry of a TDD Confinement Clinic and simultaneous kidnappings of 37 TDD sufferers, is captured in a cave in Montana along with 27 of his victims. His lawyer pleads insanity and Marshall is acquitted but committed to a TDD Confinement Clinic. After electroshock and lobotomy treatments, he is pronounced cured of TDD and released into the custody of his mother. Although unable to speak, a written press release is issued on his behalf recanting all belief in supernatural entities and expressing deep contrition for his “demented acts”.

January 2128:The United Church introduces a new Sacrament - the actual brain of Richard Dawkins, secretly preserved in formaldehyde for over 100 years, Exact marble replicas are to be placed at the top of every United Church steeple. The Church also announces that the archaic TDD ritual of Communion will be re-instituted in modified form: Saint Dawkins’ brain will be genetically duplicated and micro-slices will be issued to each United Church outlet and placed in a public shrine for adulation and obeisance under an engraving reading, “This is My brain - partake thereof.” This announcement sparks widespread protests from shareholders objecting to the consumption of a Holy Relic.

October 2128: The United Church’s “Holy Relic Schism” is amicably resolved when the Church agrees to limit Communion consumption of Saint Dawkin’s brain to genetic copies only rather than original brain tissue, thus preserving the Holy Relic in its original form.

November 2128: Thousands flock to the small town of Fouk, Arkansas after a woman discovers an image of St. Dawkin’s brain in the pattern of grease stains on the side of her refrigerator. United Church earns over $117,000 selling T-shirts at the site. The Church buys the refrigerator as well as the site, places a protective seal over the Image, and decrees that all shareholders are thereafter required to make a pilgrimage to the site (First Class on United Churchways) at least once during their lifetimes, in return for which they will be granted an Indulgence to commit at least one Anti-Social Act (excluding any act of Godcraft) within Fouk city limits during the immediately following 30-day period. The slogan “What Happens in Fouk, Stays in Fouk” is adopted for this new fund-raising campaign.

January 2129: The President, speaking in his State of the Union Address, declares that the War on TDD has been “won”, noting that as of December 25, 2128, reported incidence of the disease officially fell below 1% of the general population, virtually all of whom are either enrolled in TDD Confined Treatment Clinics or hiding in underground caverns. Congress designates December 25 as a new national holiday, “Triumph of Reason Day”.

March 2129: The new urban area of Fouk, Arkansas is designated by the Census Bureau as both the fastest-growing city area in the United States and the metropolis with the highest per-capita income.

May 2129: In a stunningly successful raid, TDD terrorists temporarily occupy the Dawkins Mausoleum on the grounds of the United Church World Headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia, dig up Saint Dawkins’ body, and find it spinning on a vertical axis at the rate of nearly 40 revolutions per minute. After watching a live video feed of this event, an obviously stunned United Church CEO J.W. Babylon is caught on camera commenting, “Maybe there is a God after all…” Church Attorney General Lawton announces the formation of a Grand Jury to investigate whether charges of Heresy, Blasphemy, and Godcraft should be brought against him.

June 2130: The Mausoleum Five are acquitted of Terrorism and Heresy after 15 minutes of deliberation; Dawkins’ body remains uncovered and under 24-hour observation by scientists. The United Church officially changes its Corporate Slogan from “Man is the Measure of All Things” to “Give Glory to God in the Highest”. American Psychological Association removes TDD from its list of mental disorders, adds “Atheistic Delusionary Disorder”. United Church commands shareholders to repent and begins rounding up unbelievers for commitment in mental institutions. At 7:06 a.m. on June 21 a loud groaning sound begins to emanate from the vicinity of Dawkins’ body, at which point its rate of revolution begins increasing exponentially until the centrifugal force causes an earthquake that completely swallows Church Headquarters. Subsequent excavations find no trace of the building but do reveal the site to be an ancient Native American burial ground. Witnesses report hearing periodic giggling from various locations on the site beginning every night as soon as the sun goes down.